I Hear You
I’m still on this journey of learning not to quit and let me tell you it’s been no picnic. I’ve been reading this book, 5 Habits of a Woman Who Doesn’t Quit by Nicki Koziarz, and I’m worn out. This morning as I was going in to get my car so I could go back home and enjoy my day off, I thought of all the stuff I wanted to accomplish and all the things I listed I knew I’d probably get maybe half done. I just felt overwhelmed and ready to quit this whole “no quitting” business. What does it matter if I train for my half marathon, post on my blog, write down story ideas, practice my drawing, what does it matter if I do my best with what I’ve been given today to do? But nooo I can’t do that now without a guilty conscience, because “Those who are faithful with the little things will be faithful with the large ones” (Luke 16:10). I’m telling you this verse is messing me up.
But in such a rewarding way.
It’s pushing me and making me uncomfortable, and that when we’re pushed and made uncomfortable by convictions, we’ll either change or ignore it till it doesn’t bother us anymore. I want it to change me I do, but let me tell you it’s so hard.
It’s so painstakingly hard.
Especially when I try to do it on my own, which is what I was starting to do this morning. I was trying to take on all the task, all the plans I had, including working on not quitting, I was trying to do it all on my own. I knew I didn’t have to, I knew I wasn’t supposed to, but I still attempted to go at it alone.
Then later this morning I started chapter 3 in this crazy book that’s encouraging me to stop being a quitter, and God spoke right to me. Koziarz writes that a woman who decides to see her commitments through “is able to look into the future with confidence because she is determined to become the vessel for what she has been created to do… She understands that the days, weeks and months, and years aren’t here forever. And the passions within her have the ability to become forgotten daydreams.” Wow, that seems impossible to ever achieve. And Koziarz says it is impossible, without God. But with God, I can be this woman. I can’t do it on my own, and it’s when I try to do it on my own that I quit quicker and more often.
“Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it’s impossible, but with God everything is possible.” Matthew 19:26
I love the way Matthew describes this moment, “Jesus looked at them intently,” He wanted the disciples to understand that only with God could they give up everything to follow Him. And I can feel Him looking at me intently wanting me to grasp the fact that “Humanly speaking” I can’t stop this cycle of quitting, I can’t see what’s lost restored, BUT with God, all of this is possible. Everything is possible with Him.
And if I say I can “feel Him” because I can tell He is trying to get me to change this cycle of saying “I can’t” into “I can.” How can I tell? Well, the only reason I bought this book by Nicki Koziarz is that I happened to be flipping through a lifeway study book catalog I’d been carrying around for months. Second, He’s using a stinking treadmill that to get me passed saying “I can’t,” and the treadmill showed up around the same time as the book. Third, yesterday one of our pastors gave an amazing message about watching and waiting on the Lord, and He “just happened” to use the verse from Luke 16:10 that’s become my starting verse for this whole quitting challenge. Yeah, I think God is trying to teach me something, and it’s wearing me out. But as I tell my mom everytime she gets off the treadmill, “no pain, no gain.” I’ll probably experience a lot more growing pains along this journey, but I know it’s for greater gain.